Of all the things I never thought I’d see in an NFL game, I definitely have to say that a birthing instructional video tops the list.
The next time your kid asks how babies are born, you don’t have to give them an awkward answer, instead, you can just pop in JuJu Smith-Schuster’s touchdown celebration from Sunday and it will answer every question that kid might have.
Potential kid questions:
“Are babies shaped like a football before they come out?”
“Do you have to wear a helmet to have a baby?”
You know what, now that I’m thinking about this out loud, that video probably won’t answer any questions at all and will likely only make the kid more confused, kind of like the Browns were probably confused when Greg Joseph’s game-winning field goal against the Ravens somehow managed to go through the uprights.
I’m still not sure if the Browns are the luckiest team in the NFL, the unluckiest team in the NFL or it if’s just a combination of both. Based on the fact that they’re basically six plays away from being 0-0-5, I’m going to go ahead and say it’s a combination of both.
Although Joseph’s field goal was ugly, it did go through the uprights, which is more than I can say for nearly everything that Mason Crosby kicked on Sunday. Watching Crosby was like watching an episode of Ghost Adventures. You know how they never find any ghosts, but you still watch? That was Crosby. By the midpoint of the game, you knew that his kicks weren’t going to go in, but you had to keep watching for the sheer entertainment value of seeing what kind of faces the players on the Packers sideline would make after each miss.
Anyway, no one likes talking about kickers, so let’s get to the picks.
Actually, before we get to my picks, here’s a quick reminder that you can check out the weekly picks from every CBSSports.com NFL expert by clicking here. The reason you should click over and check out the other experts this week is because Will Brinson is on a roll. Brinson is basically the Chiefs offense of NFL picks right now: He’s unstoppable and he doesn’t seem to be slowing down. In Week 6, Brinson went an insane 14-1, which was the best record in the country, according to our friends at Pickwatch. Thanks to his 14-1 record, Brinson is also now tied as the best overall picker in the country.
All of this from a guy who spends 60 percent of his day drinking craft beer. I think this might mean there’s a correlation between craft beer and making good NFL picks, which means I’m going to have stop drinking Zima and start drinking way more craft beer.
Alright, let’s get to the picks, where hopefully I’ll be at least three times more accurate than Mason Crosby was on Sunday.
NFL Week 6 Picks
Philadelphia (2-3) at N.Y. Giants (1-4)
8:20 p.m. ET, Thursday (FOX)
The Giants have officially reached a point in the season where they need a distraction just to distract them from all their other distractions, and in a twist of irony, I think that’s what Odell Beckham basically did ON ACCIDENT with his ESPN interview. I mean, the biggest story from this interview should have been that Odell threw Eli Manning’s accuracy under the bus and also basically said he’s not happy in New York. However, no one cares about those things because all anyone cares about is the fact that Lil Wayne was there. I have no idea why Lil Wayne was there, but I will say that if your options for an interview are bring Lil Wayne or don’t bring Lil Wayne, option two is never the correct choice.
Instead of everyone in the Giants’ locker room being mad at each other over Odell’s interview, the exact opposite is happening. I mean, Eli is making Lil Wayne jokes.
I thought I would see Taylor Swift go on tour with 50 Cent before I’d see a Manning brother make a Lil Wayne joke, but I was clearly wrong. In a bizarre twist that I definitely didn’t see soming, Odell’s interview has somehow unified the team. Sure, the Giants are 1-4, but that doesn’t matter, because they’re just 1.5 games out of first place in the NFC East, which might be the worst division in football right now. As bad as the Giants have been on offense this year, they’ve scored the MOST POINTS in the division (The Redskins have played one less game due to a bye, but that’s semantics). On the Eagles’ end, they barely have one healthy running back, Carson Wentz has looked rusty and I’m now convinced they have a Super Bowl hangover because they’re exhibiting all the symptoms I was showing after that bachelor party I went to last week.
I’m taking the Giants and I’m dedicating the pick to Lil Wayne.
The pick: Giants 27-24 over Eagles
Seattle (2-3) vs. Oakland (1-4) in London
1 p.m. ET (FOX)
I’m going to be up front with you guys here, this game is being played in London and if the past is any indication, there’s a 100 percent chance I’m going to get this pick wrong. For two straight seasons (2015-16), I whiffed on every London pick I made and the streak didn’t end until I finally got one right last year. The only thing uglier than my London picks has been Jon Gruden’s five-game stint as the Raiders coach this year.
Speaking of Gruden, if he’s actually on the sideline Sunday, it will be a minor miracle, because apparently, he hates long trips.
He had vertigo for a month! If it was the same month where he traded Khalil Mack, that would explain a lot.
As for this game, it seems pretty simple. You know the old saying about the unstoppable force vs. the immovable object? Well, this is the opposite. This is a very stoppable force (The Raiders pass rush) against a very movable object (The Seahawks offensive line) and based on the 100-level physics class I took in college, I think the advantage here has to go to the Seahawks.
Somehow, Russell Wilson has been willing the Seahawks to victory this year even though his offensive line only blocks for him about 20 percent of the time. Basically, Wilson puts up pretty big numbers when he IS facing a pass rush and those numbers are only going to be bigger on Sunday when he’s not being rushed (Did I mention the Raiders have zero pass rush?). The Seahawks are 21-3-1 in Wilson’s career when he gets sacked zero or once in a game and I can’t imagine a scenario where the Raiders sack him more than once. Also, I’m 50 percent sure Gruden’s going to be coaching with vertigo, so there’s just no way I can take the Raiders.
The pick: Seahawks 27-17 over Raiders
Pittsburgh (2-2-1) at Cincinnati (4-1)
1 p.m. ET (CBS)
If I know one thing about this rivalry, it’s that we can probably expect some fireworks on Sunday, and by fireworks, I mean at least two ejections, probably three fights and I’m also not going to rule out the possibility that Vontaze Burfict brings actual fireworks onto the field.
Basically, the only rule in this rivalry is that there are no rules. Last year alone, we saw Ryan Shazier suffer a serious neck injury and we also saw JuJu Smith-Schuster knock Burfict unconscious. Oh, and that was just in one game.
One player who’s always on thin ice in a Steelers-Bengals game is Burfict, and to be honest, I think he has a plan to fix that this year. So how do you get the refs on your side? You give them a giant hug before the game of course.
That hug is also how you have to tackle quarterbacks under the NFL’s new rules, so this basically means that Burfict is definitely ready to roll for Sunday.
Of course, the Bengals are going to need to make sure that everyone is ready to roll and that’s mainly because they’re playing a Steelers team that they almost never beat. The Steelers have won eight of the past nine games in this series and worst part for the Bengals is that Cincinnati is basically like a second home for Ben Roethlisberger. The Steelers quarterback has won five games in a row at Paul Brown Stadium, including the playoffs. As a matter of fact, I think the Bengals actually have to re-name the stadium in his honor if he wins any more games there.
I have no idea if the Bengals are for real, but I do like their chances going up against the NFL’s fourth-worst defense in Pittsburgh.
The pick: Bengals 23-20 over Steelers
Kansas City (5-0) at New England (3-2)
8:20 p.m. ET (NBC)
My favorite unexpected cameo of Week 5 came in the Colts-Patriots game when Guy Fieri showed up on New England’s sideline, which was kind of confusing, because their sideline is neither a diner, drive-in or dive. Guy must have been lost.
Also, I’m 1000 percent sure that Fieri wasn’t there as a guest of Tom Brady, because If there’s one guy in the world who has never been to flavor town in his life, it’s Brady. If it’s not gluten-free, plant-base or made of tofu, then Brady isn’t going to eat it. On the other hand, if it hasn’t been fried seven times, then there’s no way Guy Fieri is going to eat it. Fieri should actually start hanging out with the Chiefs, because if anyone’s going to appreciate food that’s been fried seven times, it’s Andy Reid.
Speaking of Reid, I’m pretty sure Bill Belichick has been planning some sort of revenge against him for at least the past four years. Since Reid was hired by the Chiefs in 2013, the Patriots have gone 0-2 in the regular season against him and both losses were ugly. First, there was the famous “We’re on to Cincinnati” game in 2014 when the Patriots lost 41-14. Let’s relive that.
The fact that the Cincinnati Visitor’s Bureau didn’t use that as a slogan is still one of the greatest marketing tragedies of the 21st century.
Three years after the “On to Cincinnati” loss, the Patriots got blown out again. This time the Chiefs topped them 42-27 in the 2017 season opener. If there’s one coach in the NFL who I could see playing the long game and planning a revenge over several years, it’s definitely Belichick, and I have to think he’s still planning revenge for these two losses.
Although I don’t think the Patriots defense has any hope of slowing down the Chiefs, I absolutely think New England can win a shootout. If these two teams had played any earlier in the season, I would have picked the Chiefs by 10 points, but heading into Week 6, the Patriots are healthy and Brady has every single weapon he needs to hang with the Chiefs in a high-scoring game. Not to mention the Chiefs will be missing their starting right guard (Laurent Duvernay-Tardif) and likely won’t have their best pass rusher (Justin Houston).
Brady is going to throw four touchdown passes in this game and then celebrate the win by taking a trip to Flavor Town.
The pick: Patriots 41-38 over Chiefs
NFL Week 6 picks: All the rest
Falcons 37-30 over Buccaneers
Chargers 24-20 over Browns
Bears 24-16 over Dolphins
Vikings 27-16 over Cardinals
Colts 20-17 over Jets
Panthers 26-23 over Redskins
Texans 19-16 over Bills
Rams 30-20 over Broncos
Jaguars 22-16 over Cowboys
Ravens 20-16 over Titans
Packers 23-13 over 49ers
BYES: Saints, Lions
Last Week
Best pick: Last week, I predicted that the Bengals would beat the Dolphins 27-17 and then the Bengals went out and beat the Dolphins 27-17. That’s right, I nailed the exact score of the game. Usually, this would be the part where I spend three paragraphs telling you about how brilliant my pick was, but that’s not going to happen this week because I got sidetracked by this guy’s tweet while writing those three paragraphs.
I always thought memorizing every word of dialogue from the first Paddington Bear movie was my most impressive talent, but apparently, my actual talent is picking NFC West games. According to this guy’s tweet, I’m 20-0 picking games in that division this year. Now, at first, I didn’t believe this stat, so I had to get my crack research team to verify the findings, which actually took a lot of time because I don’t have a crack research team.
As it turns out though, our friendly tweeter is correct and I’m 20-0 picking NFC West games straight-up. I’m not sure what we should do with this information, but I feel like hopping on the next flight to Vegas and dropping every dollar in my bank account on an NFC West parlay in Week 6 would probably be the smartest move. Then, after I win that bet, I’ll fly you guys out there so you can meet me, and we’ll all watch Paddington Bear together. On the other hand, there’s a 40 percent chance this tweet just jinxed me and I’ll never pick another NFC West game correctly ever again.
Worst pick: Apparently, when I was making my Jaguars-Chiefs pick last week I forgot that Blake Bortles was the Jags’ quarterback, because I picked Jacksonville to win in Kansas City. If we’ve learned one thing about Bortles during his career, it’s that he basically averages seven meltdowns per year and I should have known we were due for one since Bortles had been playing nearly perfect football through the first four weeks of the season. As you may or may not know, a Bortles meltdown is basically like watching a plane crash happen live on your television.
Interception on a screen pass? Check.
Interception off your lineman’s helmet? Check.
Literally anything is possible during a Bortles meltdown. If you can imagine something bad, Bortles can do it. It’s almost as impressive as my talent for picking NFC West games.
Picks record
Straight up in Week 5: 10-5
SU overall: 51-25-2
Against the spread in Week 4: 6-8-1
ATS overall: 37-38-3
Exact score predictions: 2
You can find John Breech on Facebook or Twitter and if he’s not doing one of those things, he’s probably listening to his new Lil Wayne album.